Editors note: Please keep in mind that I am an idiot and this opening is for entertainment purposes only. I originally wrote this last week but put it on hold until this week’s letter just to have another week of data to base it off of. Guys that were originally on the bench or cut list included: Drake Maye (32 points in Week 4), Tetairoa McMillan (45), CJ Stroud (27) and TJ Hockenson (24).
We are approximately one-third of the way through the season, and it is time to make some difficult roster decisions. With four games completed, you should have a clear sense of what your team needs. If you do not, I am here to help.
Below, I review each roster and identify one candidate to promote, bench, or cut.
Stick Rock
· Promote — Mike Evans: Evans has drawn plenty of targets in the 49ers’ offense. If he starts finding the end zone, he could be an upgrade over Ladd McConkey.
· Bench — Ladd McConkey: Nearly everyone in the Chargers’ offense is difficult to trust right now.
· Cut — Dalton Schultz: He had only two more targets than I did on Sunday—and I never left my couch.
Black Ghostbusters
· Promote — Jordan Love: Stop cycling through waiver-wire quarterbacks. Start a consistent performer until Caleb Williams returns.
· Bench — Travis Kelce: He is too volatile to trust for consistent scoring.
· Cut — Marvin Harrison Jr.: He is no Marvin Harrison Sr.
MKBA
· Promote — Aaron Rodgers: He is a viable option if Lamar Jackson cannot play next week.
· Bench — Dalton Kincaid: Like Travis Kelce, his targets are too erratic to trust for steady production.
· Cut — Kyle Pitts Sr.: Fantasy managers have waited six years for him to fulfill his draft-day promise. They are still waiting.
John’s Scary Team
· Promote — Matthew Golden: He is a top-15 wide receiver and should be an automatic start each week.
· Bench — Jake Ferguson: Do not use a flex spot on a low-volume tight end.
· Cut — Cooper Kupp: He has become an afterthought in Seattle’s offense.
Skoal Bandits
· Promote — Romeo Doubs: He looks like the only reliable receiver on the Patriots.
· Bench: I had three candidates earlier, but each is heating up. For now, do not change anything.
· Cut — Kaelon Black: There are too many useful options on the waiver wire to waste a roster spot on a Christian McCaffrey handcuff.
Milford Football Team
· Promote — DK Metcalf: Move him into a flex spot and sit Emeka Egbuka.
· Bench — David Montgomery: After scoring 29 points in Game 1, he has totaled only 16 points across Weeks 2–4.
· Cut — Jalon Daniels: The offense did not work with Baker Mayfield, and it is unlikely to improve with Daniels.
Springfield Flanders
· Promote — Woody Marks: He receives plenty of carries in an otherwise underwhelming Houston offense.
· Bench — Braelon Allen: Being the Jets’ starting running back is not enough to make him trustworthy.
· Cut — Josh Jacobs: If his legal situation is not resolved soon, it may be time to move on. That roster spot could rebuild running back depth—especially while carrying two defenses.
Peeping Tomlins
· Promote — Xavier Worthy: He could become an important part of the Chiefs’ offense after the two wide receiver injuries suffered Sunday.
· Bench — Colston Loveland: Keep him firmly on the bench. Too many mouths to feed in that Chicago offense.
· Cut — Jadarian Price: Charbonnet should return soon and will probably reclaim the No. 1 running back role, pushing Price further down the depth chart.
Dark Helmet
· Promote — Jalen Coker: If he is healthy, he belongs in the starting lineup.
· Bench — Rashid Shaheed: He is touchdown-dependent and receives too few targets.
· Cut — Tyjae Spears: Tennessee’s offense is struggling, so there is little reason to roster its No. 2 running back.
Wrath of Khan
· Promote — Carnell Tate: Perhaps the rookie can provide the spark this offense needs.
· Bench — Both your QBs. They aren’t giving you any chance to win. You’d be better off streaming guys off the waover wire each week.
· Cut — One defense: This roster is too thin to devote a spot to a second D/ST. Use that spot on as many high-upside waiver-wire options as possible.
Mel Kiper’s Best Available 183, Wrath of Khan 137
Mel Kiper’s Best Available Keeps Rolling
Mel Kiper’s Best Available cruised to another decisive win. Wrath of Khan remained uncompetitive and fell to 0–4, making this matchup feel like the KAOS equivalent of a bye week.
Top performers:
· Tetairoa McMillan — 45.2 points
· CeeDee Lamb — 41.3 points
· Lamar Jackson — 22 points
Wrath of Khan’s Winless Streak Reaches Four
It is getting late early for Wrath of Khan. Unless the team turns things around, it could be headed for back-to-back first overall draft picks.
Top performers:
· Malik Nabers — 23 points
· Chase Brown — 19 points
· DeVaughn Vele — 17 points
Stick Rock 167, Milford Football Team 135
Stick Rock kept rolling with another comfortable win, this time over cousin CJ. Rock scored early and often, and KW III sealed the result with a 175-yard effort late Sunday afternoon.
Stick Rock Improves to 4–0
Rock is getting contributions throughout the lineup and, for the most part, has avoided the major injuries affecting several other teams.
Top performers:
· KW III — 31 points
· Tee Higgins — 26 points
· Joe Burrow — 25 points
Milford Football Team Drops Its Second Straight
MFT’s 2–0 start now feels distant. The team has slipped to 2–2, joining six others with the same record.
Top performers:
· Javonte Williams — 31 points
· Kyle Monangai — 29 points
· Josh Allen — 20 points
Peeping Tomlins 130, John’s Scary Team 112
Peeping Tomlins came out on top in a low-scoring contest as John’s Scary Team managed only 112 points.
Peeping Tomlins Returns to .500
It was not pretty, but Jared will take it. After being hit hard by injuries, the Tomlins secured a much-needed win.
Top performers:
· Sam LaPorta — 22 points
· Patrick Mahomes — 21 points
· Dak Prescott — 20 points
John’s Scary Team’s Scoring Streak Ends
After posting huge totals in Weeks 2 and 3, John’s Scary Team came back to earth with a 112-point performance in Week 4.
Top performers:
· Quishon Judkins — 21 points
· George Kittle — 19 points
· Jalen Hurts — 17 points
Skoal Bandits 210, Springfield Flanders 154
Skoal Bandits Cruise to Another Blowout Win
For the second week in a row, the Bandits posted the highest score in KAOS.
Top performers:
· Drake Maye — 32 points
· Nico Collins — 30 points
· Bijan Robinson - 30 points
Another 2–0 Start Slips Away
Springfield Flanders played well but ran into the league’s hottest team.
Top performers:
· Puka Nacua — 27 points
· Bryce Young — 25 points
· Brock Bowers — 20 points
Dark Helmet 125, Ghostbusters 96
This matchup unraveled almost immediately. By 1:35 p.m. Sunday, Marcus Mariota, Ja’Marr Chase, and Saquon Barkley had all exited their games in the first quarter.
Dark Helmet Does Just Enough
Dark Helmet did not need a big performance to win, yet still made the game closer than it should have been.
Top performer:
· Kyren Williams — 36 points
· James Cook III – 18
· Rome Odunze - 15
Ghostbusters’ Trade Troubles Continue
The latest lesson: always consider a trade offer from the Ghostbusters. After Week 2, they sent Kyren Williams and Jalen Coker away for Saquon Barkley and Marvin Harrison. Since the trade, Williams has scored 57 points while Barkley has scored 11.
Top performers:
· No player delivered a performance worth highlighting.